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What is consent?
Consent is generally agreed to be the voluntary, informed, and clear agreement to an action.
In many countries, there is a growing trend toward recognizing the need for affirmative consent and obvious communication of agreement before sexual activity, though this varies widely across the world in societal and legal definitions.
My preferred definition for consent is the one often shortened to F.R.I.E.S.
F - Freely given
Consent is given without pressure, manipulation, violence, intimidation, or other means of coercion.*
*Some argue that consent under the influence of drugs or alchohol should not be considered "freely given." Founder's POV: There are certainly times when consent under those conditions literally cannot be given, but I think it is not uncommon to freely, legally give consent under the influence of alchohol, as long as there is still capacity to consent. (i.e. the person is awake and competent enough understand what's happening as well as the good or bad consequences.)
R - Reversible
Consent on one date does not imply consent on all dates. Likewise, consent at 6 pm does not imply consent at 9 pm. And importantly, consent within the same interaction it is given can and should be removed if one party feels uncomfortable with the pace, method, communication, or some other aspect of that sexual activity.
I - Informed
If one party hides important and relevant information in order to receive a "yes" for sex, that is not allowing informed consent.
All parties must be fully aware of what they are consenting to.
This includes having the necessary information and understanding the potential consequences. This presents itself in the real world through examples like intentionally hiding one's sexual organs or STD status in order to get another party to agree to sex.
E - Enthusiastic
Like the quote above mentions, a lack of "no" doesn't imply "yes."
Similarly, consent given after begging is not considered enthusiastic. All parties should only engage in sex if it's something they genuinely want to do, not something they feel obligated to do.
Founder's POV: If you aren't sure, there is nothing wrong with literally verbally asking if someone consents and being open to "no." It seems like it may not be "smooth" or natural in that setting, but there are few other downsides. Logic this one out with me:
- A person that wants to have sex with you is not going to change their mind because you asked out loud.
- A person who is nervous or shy may feel comforted by your thoughtfulness.
- And a person who does not want to have sex at that time will be assured that you respect boundaries. Abundantly clear consent increases confidence for all parties.
If you don't want to verbally ask for consent In this hypothetical situation because you're afraid the answer will be "no," you need to take some time and consider why you'd pursue sex with someone who may not want to do it. Similarly, if you'd rather feign ignorance than explicitly know they didn't want to have sex, this is also something seriously worth reflecting on. Is unwanted sex really better than no sex at that moment?
S - Specific
Consent for a sexual interaction doesn't imply consent for all types of sexual activity. Consent is usually implied to be for a specific type of activities or set of activities. It's worth communicating more if you'd like the sexual activity to move beyond those general bounds.
In the real world, this can be something like consenting to vaginal sex but not anal sex or consenting to BDSM but not certain aspects of it.
Does the definition of consent differ in different places? Why?
Yes, wildly and significantly.
Global definitions of consent are influenced by cultural, legal, religious, and social norms. Because of this, the definition of consent differs widely in the legal world and in turn, how sexual assault is pursued in courts of law.
Here are some key differences in legal definitions across countries:
- Age of Consent: The age of consent varies significantly, with some countries setting it as low as 12 years old and others setting it at 18 or higher.
- Capacity to Consent: In all countries, in nearly all situations, there is an emphasis on the mental and physical ability to give consent. Countries differ on specific laws regarding incapacity due to alcohol, drugs, or mental conditions.
- Explicit vs. Implicit Consent: Some countries require active, explicit consent (clearly stated in words or writing), while others rely on implied consent (consent inferred from behavior) or a lack of resistance.
- Consent within Marriage: Some countries do not recognize marital rape. In most of those places, consent is always implied with marriage, often for religious or societal reasons.